Whenever I hear someone say You can’t make this shit up the first thing I think is I definitely could have made that shit up. It wouldn’t have even been that hard.
Hell's Kitchen Feb 20, 2018
No morning is complete without an ice cold coffee and some steaming hot goss.
Washington Heights Jan 30, 2018
Think I’ll open a Vietnamese fast casual dining establishment and call it Da Pho. Why Da Pho? Cuz that’s what everyone’ll say after finding out we only serve bánh mì.
Williamsburg Feb 12, 2018
Do you know how many four letter words there are in the English language? Approximately 5,526. That’s including plurals. I’m a hit at parties.
Brooklyn Heights Jan 23, 2018
You’re beautiful. Never forget that.
Lower East Side Jan 16, 2018
Not all those who wander are lost. But some sure as shit are.
Greece July 9, 2017
Never in my 5 years of online dating have I seen a photo of a man holding up a fish he murdered and thought Now there’s someone I could see myself growing old with.
Downtown Brooklyn Oct 26, 2017
Honestly, I’d rather spend an entire Saturday night eating spoiled salmon burgers off the Penn Station floor while sitting next to Justin Bieber as he stumbles through a reading of the High School Musical 2 screenplay than watch one episode of The Big Bang Theory.
Penn Station Dec 18, 2017
He asked How do you like it? I said A 100 gallon fish tank is a pretty bold gift to give someone who has not once expressed interest in aquatics. I now realize I should have said Honey it’s great!
SoHo Dec 28, 2017
Halloween’s going to be incredible this year. I’m going as a crab. I’m medium into crabs but this way if Steve catches me swiping a couple extra crab cakes I can say something crafty like Protecting my family! even though we both know full well I’ll be devouring the little shits in T-minus 6 seconds because I have an insatiable appetite and zero self control.
Clinton Hill Oct 24, 2017
Some people didn’t come even though they had RSVP’d for example Rick and Alice and Tom. I was worried Hank wouldn’t have a good time because he didn’t know anyone else there but he had to leave after a half hour anyway so it was fine. Tiffany was on her way when Something came up. She posted Happy Birthday on my Facebook and I Liked it.
Alphabet City Nov 2, 2017
I've never been great at being on time. Or mincing garlic. Or spelling Definitely. I am, however, above average at getting men to fall in love with me.
West Village July 13, 2017
I wish Game of Thrones never ended. I mean, what do I talk to my coworkers about now? Sports? Shoes? Podcasts? Is Serial still a thing? Fuck you don’t laugh at me. This is real life.
The Village Aug 31, 2017
I know she knows my heart isn't in it anymore. Love’s the one thing you can't fake.
Williamsburg July 18, 2017
Retirement is fantastic. You get to do whatever you want. Like, if I wanted to, I could just sneeze all day. I usually don't, but it feels great knowing I have the option.
Central Park July 21, 2017
Just bought a one way ticket to DC. Don’t know what I’ll do once I get there, but someone’s gotta do something. Might as well be me. Place is a mess.
Grand Central July 24, 2017
The tacos are sublime.
Vancouver Washington Aug 22, 2017
I've listened to this song at least once every day for the past 9 years. The first time I heard it we had just bought Nathan's Hot Dogs and were walking down the Coney Island boardwalk. We got engaged 3 minutes later. Looking back I probably should have finished my dog first but I couldn't wait.
West Village Aug 8, 2017
You know what? I like Lucky Charms. There, I said. No more hiding. Feels great.
Downtown Brooklyn Aug 12, 2017
I'm pretty into robotics. Also, I'm trying to make my own mirror room.
Times Square Aug 15, 2017
Look at this guy. Reading a book with a big A on it. I bet you 100 bucks it’s about Applebees. Or Austria. Or Aftershave or Aromas or Alumni or Arugula or Air or Antlers or some other word that starts with an A. Ugh. Give me a break.
The Village Sep 4, 2017
Well played Alabama.
SOHO Nov 13, 2017
Don't let the nap fool you, my autobiography is going to be called Wild & Free.
Times Square Sep 22, 2017
I have 15 tattoos but you can't see any of them because of my shirt. One is a sideways triangle and another one is the Carhartt logo and the one on my left hip is a shadow. You can't see that one because of my shirt and my pants.
DUMBO September 23, 2017
If there’s not a disco ball I’m not going to be a part of it.
SOHO Oct 27, 2017
Why can't we all just get along?
Jackson Heights Nov 8, 2017
A solid 80% of my exercise is sprinting to the center of the platform to catch the G.
Greenpoint Nov 18, 2017
I don't even know what I'm looking at half the time.
Lower East Side Nov 21, 2017
Check out this Kenmore Elite Top Load Washer! It’s only $699. Retails for $1409. Really wish I needed a new washing machine. This is a once in a generation kind of deal. Think I’ll just get it. Can you really ever have too many washing machines?
Union Square Nov 24, 2017
Sometimes I like to pretend my scarf is a hundred doe-eyed kittens cuddling my neck and whispering it sweet nothings.
Hell's Kitchen Nov 28, 2017
I’m great at tying my shoes. Until someone starts watching. Then I’m terrible.