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Study: Is Steve Bannon a Potato?

 

Study: Is Stephen
K. Bannon A Potato?

May 22nd, 2017

 
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Study Objective
Using basic scientific methods, finally get to the bottom of the age old question: Is Stephen K. Bannon actually just A Potato?

Study Subjects
Stephen K. Bannon (White House Chief Strategist), and A Potato (Yukon Gold, purchased at local Whole Foods)

Study Length
4 weeks

 

Week 1/4

Morning, Day 1
A Potato arrives on time at 8am. Steven K. Bannon saunters in 2 hours late thinking it’s a National Security Council meeting. He begins chanting Fake News after being reminded he was fired from the NSC weeks ago. At 9pm, now pacified, S.B. is reminded he’s taking part in a month long study to determine if he is A Potato or not. Steven K. Bannon appears intrigued. It’s unclear if he knows what A Potato is.

Physical examination: Both subjects exhibit severely potholed skins littered with irregular blotches and uneven coloration. After additional inspection, it appears that A Potato is mostly just a big lump. So is S.B.

Days 2–7
S.B. spends the majority of his time crafting legislation to deny citizens of majority Muslim countries entry into the United States of America. A Potato is indifferent at best to such measures.

 

Week 2/4

Day 8
After repeated attempts to dress A Potato up as J. Kushner and mash him with a sledgehammer to “wipe the smug off his pretty-boy face,” Stephen K. Bannon is assigned a week in isolation.

Days 9–14
In isolation, S.B. watches every episode of The Handmaid’s Tale (without blinking) while taking meticulous notes in a Moleskin labeled The Dream. He also binges both seasons of The Man in the High Castle and all 11 of 7th Heaven. A Potato spends its week researching impact investing and learning Japanese.

Note: Potentially poisonous outgrowths have begun to sprout from S.B.’s upper left torso. Similar results observed in A Potato.

 

Week 3/4

Days 15–21
Stephen K. Bannon refuses to eat any food that wasn’t specifically rationed for Syrian refugees. Said demands are repeatedly denied and subject is instead fed his second choice; Electric Blue Raspberry Fruit Roll Ups. A Potato is perfectly content to dine on unfertilized soil and a few spritzes of H20.

Note: A.P. has saved entire nations from famine.

 

Week 4/4

Days 22–27
In a surprising turn of events, the two subjects have amalgamated into a single organism. Now functioning as one, S.B.A.P. is conflicted on its stances on free-trade, misogyny, mulch, and the alt-right.

Day 28
Subjects spontaneously separate. A.P. promptly douses self in gasoline, strikes a match, and goes up in flame. Funeral is held same day but S.B. does not attend, citing ‘Fuck potatoes.’

 

Conclusion

Stephen K. Bannon is most certainly not a potato.

After 4 weeks of intense observation it has become clear that Stephen K. Bannon and A Potato are considerably less similar than previously thought. While it is true they could both be mistaken for dried turds, as it turns out, A Potato is not the absolute worst. Stephen K. Bannon, on the other hand, is. It is thus our recommendation that Stephen K. Bannon is never to be referred to as A Potato, regardless of context, ever again.

I mean shit, what’s a potato ever done to you?